Trying to understand Venusian

When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different. Someone better. Someone yourself. But...when that person is taken from you, what do you become then?

It's like you lost everything. Everything that mattered to you the most, now seems nothing. Most relationships fall apart because people can't express themselves. When one can't understand the situation. No matter how much ever two people sync in their wavelength and understand each other so well, there is always something that we will fail to understand. Atleast fail to notice them when they were actually happening. Coz, we are just being busy with our own feelings and emotions. This happens in every relationships. But the solution is fairly simple if each decides to face it, rather to leave it unexplained. Best fights are the one's that we avoid. But it doesn't go the same way for problems. Running away from a problem is never going to be a solution for a problem. And when people say that they want to go to their cave and be all alone, may be they simply want to ignore their problems and find a solution by assuming there wasn't any problem at all.

Another thing is, when you value certain things the most, and the other fails to recognize it. Certain things like, "i love you" which matters alot to you, and every time when you say it you get to float and have butterflies in stomach. But may be the other doesn't see it that way. May be its just a bad timing if i could say. So now i come to an understanding,  that the words "i love you" may actually mean nothing even if you have saved it only for the ONE. May be those words doesn't have to be told itself. It has to be felt. Only then both of them will know the true beauty of it.

And when it comes to proposal.., even when the girl seems to be ready, actually she might not. When you are thinking that you are all heroic in proposing, may be it seems only as an agreement to her. But be kind enough not to disapprove of you, and accept it. Most times it's the excitement. It's because of the excitement that they convince themselves that they are in love. May be there aren't actually. Disturbed-confused-feared and many more words have only a slight difference in venusian. And at most times they are in a confused state not knowing which word to pick for their emotions. It will be very evident when they reiterate a state of feeling again and again. But when this turns terrible is, when they feel that all their feelings are artificial...and couldn't handle that fact. This could be worsened when you are forcing all your wishes into her. After that, all the love talks would seem only as an oath talking for her, and fail to feel the intense of it. And who knows, even too much of your care could give her the creeps and make her feel insecured. The one who spoke of moving into a big family and work hard for them, now might feel that she couldn't make up to you, just you.

And the most painful part is, after all this, you don't even get to have a saying...she decides for herself...she chooses to leave. A huge burden laid off from her...which you have to carry for the rest of your life.

They say there's always someone in a relationship who loves more. Oh God i wish it wasn't me.
If there's always someone in a relationship who gets to suffer the pain more. I wish it must be me.

I know. I know nothing about love. But..

When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different. Someone better. Someone yourself. That is when you really know that you have found your soulmate. The ONE. But, is there really something like the ONE?? A true soulmate?? The one who is meant to be?? There has been a lot of thought that i have put into these questions in recent days. Love. The definition of love has always been contagious. We never define it ourselves. Instead we look for it in books, songs, movies, people around us, their experience, our experience with them. We fail to feel it for ourselves. We just look to satisfy our expectations from what inspired us to be love.

Where am i going? What am i trying to say thereby?? Well, this is just a stupid attempt to make myself clear about certain things. I never really have the habit of reading my blog, and this post will be the last thing that i might want to read.

So, what does this word even mean, "love"? Some say it is sacred...some say it is just fantasy. Funny! It changes from people to people, and it's highly contagious. Lemme say it from my point of view hereon. But it would seem better if i narrate this in second person view.

Most people waste time looking for a perfect lover; while i believe, perfect love has to be created...not found. And i'm never a fond of love at first sight. Coz i know that no one would fall for me in the first place. Here is the other thing, if all you want is just a cute girl who is willing.., and if you are flexible on that cute factor, you could fall in love anytime...all the time. But it doesn't go that way for me. Love should be dateless. Unchanged forever. If beauty is the only reason which made you fall in love, then there are many a chances that it could fade away in course of time. So, no love at first sight? Then how would i know that i have found my love? The answer is fairly simple. You would know it when it happens. It feels magical. You will get the desire to love a person with many among your friends, especially when the walls of friendship are slowly coming down. But that magic is a very rare happening. Maybe only once. And when that happens, you just couldn't control yourself. Just wanting to burst out all the love that you saved. It's like how they say, 'When your dreams have finally come true...then comes the best part.., you get to go find a new dream!' Its something similar to, 'the journey to find true love ends...and the journey to cherish true love begins'.

But the sad part is, when you are the only one in that relationship. Being half of a whole. Its like you are overflowing unconditionally but from the other end you don't receive any...or doesn't want to..or receive any. Even worse, if they chose to ignore it totally. Everything can't be blamed to fate. Infact there is no such thing as fate. Nothing in this world is ever meant to be. So does that mean that we could easily change? Switch partners? "Better" and "Choice" are the most evilest words in the world. Especially when you start to confuse them with life and love. One can always find something better than the other. But that would appear as the most dumbest thing if we keep looking for betterment. And when it comes to choice...it always leads to confusion. We always tend to compare when we have a choice. And comparing in a relationship is utter bullshit. Not able to move on wholly, and not able to disrespect the love that you had.., the only option left is, to live a half life. Hell i don't have any other answer for this.

I'd like to end with a quote,
"They say there's always someone in a relationship who loves more. Oh God i wish it wasn't me."

History repeats itself.

Guilt. I dono why i chose this word to start with, but seriously there is no escape from it i guess. No matter how hard i try, this particular state, it always sticks like a curse. If you ask me, i would say that guilt is the most painful feeling one can ever experience. The reason, right now i'm seeing the far extreme of it and is really killing me. Certain things that have happened in my recent times just portraits me as a bad guy! It leaves me questioning myself, "am i such?"

Why?  Why am i doing this to myself??

When i turn back and look at my life, it's just dark memories...memories that i regret the most. And the worst part is, it's never stopping. Even worse, is the fact that i'm being the bad guy. No matter how many times i think back and replay it over and over again, i couldn't alter it. Correct it. It's only getting more intense. At one point when i felt that all my haunting memories are finally nullified by one good thing, i felt like i regained myself. No more dark past. I was in all hurry filling my entire memory with that good thing...literally everything. My dreams, my environment, my behavior.., my past, the present, and of my future.., i filled everything with that good thing. But, it didn't last long...the curse of my life once again played its part. Left me all alone again, with more memories to regret...more guilt...more pages in my book of dark past; which is eventually my book of life.

Maybe being alone is the only answer for my life.

In my young age, at 14, i failed to notice the emotions of a kid who was a real gift. I felt it only when that person left me. Not even fully recovered from it, it happened again, in 17. I had a really good friend. Respectful person. I messed up big time by planting a doubt in her mind, which made her question our frndship. To cut short, my stupidity made me to lose a good friendship...or something more than that. And now recently, no matter how hard i tried, how much ever i cared that i musnt ruin the relationship, not lose it; i failed again. Though i kept telling myself that this must not be my past, just go with the flow, shouldn't plant any doubts and mess up; it just happened i dono why. Like the previous one, friendship phase was cool...really cool...awesomeness was just overflowing.., but after that, everything crumbled. I'm not comparing one of my life's happening to another. But the consequences are all same.

I can't take this anymore. Coz, i seriously doubt that i can face anything far worse than this. May be, i should live with this solitary curse...filled with regret...waiting to die alone.

tamming my mind

it's usual that there is a constant quarrel between my mind and heart. i now urge the need to tame my mind to accept certain things even which is regrettable !

dreamwalking!

its not exactly dreamwalking though. but in recent time i'v been suffering from insomnia. and as of its consequence - i'm dreaming a lot. the problem is, i have lost my grip on what is reality and what is dream. i am a diehard fan of the movie inception and i'v watched it for more than a fifty times. i don't really know whether this is an impact of that movie. but if it was it must have happened way too long. the most crucial part is, i don't know what to react to some events in life as of the uncertainty caused by the loss of grip between reality and fantasy!

#debugging mode

Strike the iron when its hot! Its never too late to start.
I have heard these many a many times, and eventually got tired of analyzing these through and through.  But now i have a gut feeling that i'm actually experiencing it real time. attaboy!
In the early stage of my college life i was named as a playboy(no intention of boasting) and all those crap. But you know what they call me now? A Saint. Why don't they. Ever since the fall of final year the explicit truth is that many are deceived by love n lust, or atleast gone a step further as a chat-bug.
 While I belong to the group of the few exceptional cases, who are completely disconnected from 'those' events. My case is rather different though. Being called as a candid easy-to-move guy formerly, what caused the change that i'm now a loner with a boner? The answer is more easy to say if i happen to blame everything to fate. To cut short its better to assume that way; though it pains inside me of knowing the truth behind. many was of course the consequences of my own mistakes, but thinking deep whether i deserve this much, i'm left all alone questioning myself. Some say that i'm only punishing more by seeing things in the wrong way. It's a battle between my Mind and Guilt and the latter is too strong to leave me at peace. Nothing i could do but pity myself.
   Now thinking of extracting the positives from it, i'm now trying to be more studious as i'm left with nothing but just my laptop and me. I got bored of all the activities that every other 'guys' do with his laptop. To kill time i surf a lot. As of a sudden when nothing seems to be interesting, and i feel the nerd inside me pulling to its very end. Though i took more than enough time to reach at this dead-end. But it's good that i someway urged the need for it, fair and square. There is still a long way to travel and i dono whether again my shifting interests-o-phobia drifts me to another angle. What ever it might be, i'v now entered debugging mode to correct all my mistakes and frame necessary protocols and algorithms for future perspective.

fcuk blogger

i wish i could keep my inner feelings for self!! but you bitch blogger had posted my blog in g+ without my intension :/ i could have atleast be informed about your silly connection between my g+ account. Blogger u betrayed me :O Now go ahead and do me a favor by publishing this. I'm no longer gonna share my feelings with ya !
Babye.

On the move

I'v started the initiative of creating a responsive webpage exclusive for my department, IT. There is no such website for specific departments in our college. i wish that this could lead to innovative dispersion among other departments.

So far So less

    Well I'm just that normal guy whom u'l never notice in a crowded street. I believe that complexion is not that matters all in one's life. So by now yu could have concluded how i must look.

    All through my life i'v neva had a fixed desire or ambition. They have kept on changing every pass of the day. I don't know exactly why is that. But eventually i lose my grip for some reasons.
Having completed my high school in 2011, i had openings for many reputed colleges around tamil nadu. I could have stayed in my city(chennai) and choose a fitting college for me or just drop-in to the college where my herd of friends headed. But rather i choose Thiagarajar College of Engineering as suggested by J.P.Gandhi(fuck u dickhole), in madurai, a down-south village named as city.

    And moreover to mull at the truth, i hated to step into corporate life. And yes of-course the game of life played its part and i'm finally taken Information Technology department in TCE.
There involved killing a lot of pain after making that decision from the mandatory homesickness to losing my only g.f. i  had in my city. ahh..fuck that. That's a long story to tell. to cut short, i fell in a place where nothing seems to interest me.

    Three years have passed and looking back at the trails that i'v left, honestly there are none but just boredom and weeping stories.

    There is this one thing but. I wished that i would someday make an android app that would become so popular among the tce'ians and make me proud too. It was that energetic mind in the 1st week of college startup that initiated andro-idea. Ultimately it faded away as i was in business to clear all my backup paper of the previous semesters. It was like a routine. Followed sem after sem.
Now in this final year where placement stress keeps hitting my head constantly, i urged the need to do something good before i leave this college.