History repeats itself.

Guilt. I dono why i chose this word to start with, but seriously there is no escape from it i guess. No matter how hard i try, this particular state, it always sticks like a curse. If you ask me, i would say that guilt is the most painful feeling one can ever experience. The reason, right now i'm seeing the far extreme of it and is really killing me. Certain things that have happened in my recent times just portraits me as a bad guy! It leaves me questioning myself, "am i such?"

Why?  Why am i doing this to myself??

When i turn back and look at my life, it's just dark memories...memories that i regret the most. And the worst part is, it's never stopping. Even worse, is the fact that i'm being the bad guy. No matter how many times i think back and replay it over and over again, i couldn't alter it. Correct it. It's only getting more intense. At one point when i felt that all my haunting memories are finally nullified by one good thing, i felt like i regained myself. No more dark past. I was in all hurry filling my entire memory with that good thing...literally everything. My dreams, my environment, my behavior.., my past, the present, and of my future.., i filled everything with that good thing. But, it didn't last long...the curse of my life once again played its part. Left me all alone again, with more memories to regret...more guilt...more pages in my book of dark past; which is eventually my book of life.

Maybe being alone is the only answer for my life.

In my young age, at 14, i failed to notice the emotions of a kid who was a real gift. I felt it only when that person left me. Not even fully recovered from it, it happened again, in 17. I had a really good friend. Respectful person. I messed up big time by planting a doubt in her mind, which made her question our frndship. To cut short, my stupidity made me to lose a good friendship...or something more than that. And now recently, no matter how hard i tried, how much ever i cared that i musnt ruin the relationship, not lose it; i failed again. Though i kept telling myself that this must not be my past, just go with the flow, shouldn't plant any doubts and mess up; it just happened i dono why. Like the previous one, friendship phase was cool...really cool...awesomeness was just overflowing.., but after that, everything crumbled. I'm not comparing one of my life's happening to another. But the consequences are all same.

I can't take this anymore. Coz, i seriously doubt that i can face anything far worse than this. May be, i should live with this solitary curse...filled with regret...waiting to die alone.